A new pair of eyes

The problem – I couldn’t see the woods through the tress:

I pride myself on my attention to detail and proofreading ability. It is a skill I have spent years working to hone and improve; and something I have become good at. But recently, since starting my new role, I have become increasingly frustrated by the number of proofing and formatting errors I have been making. Even worse, these errors are being spotted and picked up on by powers that be who are high up, such as managers and directors. Every email and red-penned copy sends shivers down my spine and I found myself starting to beat myself up about it. One of the reasons I was hired is because of my proofreading experience. So I started to feel pretty useless.

Flashback – I used to take it so personally:

A few years ago, perhaps I would have taken this really personally and blamed myself for being a bad and incapable person but over the years I have grown and learned to realise that mistakes do not equal failure and failure does not equal the end of Everything! That in fact, these are great learning opportunities and instead, I decided to apply these principles.

Fast Forward – what I know now:

I decided the first thing to try was to increase the size of fonts and zoom in as much as possible. I now have two screens, which makes this much more doable. However, this didn’t seem to be helping my cause and silly mistakes, such as writing ‘form’ instead of ‘from’; and punctuation errors, such as using commas instead of full stops, kept creeping in. Even formatting errors such as using different sizes and styles of fonts, which I’m incredibly pedantic about, still slipped in!

Problem-solving:

My next port of call was to book am opticians appointment. After completing my eye test, the optometrist looked horrified when I told her I’d been driving with my current prescription. It has changed so much since my last visit and what a relief to find this out! I immediately contacted my partner to come and help me to choose new glasses because I’m practically blind without them. How could I possibly choose a pair when I couldn’t see!

What I have learned:

I have just collected them and honestly I didn’t know what I was missing. Everything is so sharp and focussed and reading is now so clear! I am yet to test my proofreading skills with them but already I’m noticing I’m spotting mistakes more readily. It’s like I’m seeing the world through a new pair of eyes! And the way I approached this matter proves that my perspective on life has changed, matured somewhat. Younger me would have taken much longer to go and get the eye test done and would have struggled through the constant criticism ad self-blame and eventually started to lose her confidence! What I’ve learned over the years is that it’s so important to know yourself well enough not to always jump to conclusions and put yourself down first as it is equally as important not to blame others.

Sleep Sucks!

Here I am again, gone midnight, already been in bed for over two hours, no sign of sleep in sight. I’ve tossed and turned and practiced some mindfulness and then it starts. My mind . . . There’s a reason they call it ‘mind’ ‘full’ ness I’m sure. I can’t get rid of them! These thoughts . . . These ideas . . . Over and over they whirl and churn and grind. Deep, deep, deep in my mind.

They could be about horses, or money . Quite often my career and education. How can afford to do this PhD I so desparately want to do? Am I capable of doing it? Asking myself why I’m still fat and then why can’t I stop eating and I know it’s because I’m not sleeping . . . There’s a whole plethora of hormones and circadian rhythm and other signalling chemicals that are responsible that I just see whizzing around in my head as I lay here in the dark with my eyes wide open! Imagining the inner workings of my somewhat broken body.

And then I feel the stirrings of some ideas, wonders, marvels! Things that will make me rich, successful, fit, healthy, fulfilled. And then I feel annoyed, angry even, that I need this state if inanimation and unproductiveness we call sleep. Why? Why?! You’re just trying to fool my plans I swear. There’s only 24 hours in a day. Why can’t I use all of them to get to where I want to be without you. It’s not fair. I know I need you. The less I see of you, the less I’m able to follow those dreams I dare to hold on to when I do finally meet you. The more my creativity slips away from me with a long lost memory and inability to see within. I don’t want you, if I keep telling myself I don’t need, if I believe in you enough will that make real? Or is it all just one everlasting nightmare. I’ve thought about it for a long, long time through many a sleepless night. Sleep, you suck. Goodbye.

The role of mental health and the responsibility of the author in young adult fiction

I recently attended a workshop hosted by Tom Harris, author of The Amber Room, The Amber Antidote and the forthcoming Wings, Wands and Weird Worlds series, and Hannah Morton, ambassador for Time To Change campaign which took place on Wednesday 7^th June at The Spring, Havant. Both Tom and Hannah work for The University of Portsmouth’s Student Union and as such have become increasingly aware of the importance of the student voice for everything. This led them to feeling it necessary to address issues surrounding mental health in literature for young people. As a researcher at the University’s School of Education and Childhood studies, I am also very aware of the importance of this and especially the role it plays in the protection of mental health and wellbeing of children and young people.

This translates to the use of language for the YA author. To quote Hannah’s opening slide: “The average high school kid today has the same level of anxiety as the average psychiatric patient in the early 1950s.” As someone who is researching the development of mental health from the Victorian era to the present day, I find this both fascinating and alarming. Books being written that begin to deal with the turmoil of mental health in childhood and education are becoming ever more prevalent and popular in modern young adult literature but do they deal with the issues sensitively and sympathetically? There are certainly many authors that do but I still feel there are several examples of authors who do not necessarily focus on mental health and wellbeing that can carelessly use language that can cause internalisations that have a serious impact on children’s and young people’s mental health and wellbeing. I am not going to ‘name and shame’ as it were, but a few examples are as follows:

“You’re mental”

“Cheer up, it might never happen,”

“I need my room to be clean, I’m so OCD,”

“Why do you look so depressed, have you forgotten how to smile?”

As expressed by Tom and Hannah, I think it is really important to bear in mind the way words and language are used to convey certain ideologies and expressions. Terminology is especially important as we try to work towards greater acceptance and equality in this world. Children may, for example, come across terminology used by authors that they wouldn’t necessarily encounter and then translate this in to their own everyday use of language thinking this is OK, when in fact, it is exacerbating the situation of inappropriate use of language, this in turn could impact the reader and/or their peers in terms of their self-perception, confidence and overall wellbeing. The initiation of unhealthy thought processes and responses could be triggered by simply not feeling enough, when that was not necessarily intended. For example, “you’re so gay,” used in a negative connotation, or, “You’re far too sensitive,” such seemingly innocent phrases have a plethora of connotations that indicate to the young person that there is something “wrong” with them and that they will be judged for this.

What is interesting is that many of these phrases were originally coined as medical terminology; for example, idiot, imbecile and lunatic were used during the late 1800s to describe people expressing particular behavioural traits. The word spastic was first used in a medical context to describe people with the condition, cereberal palsy. It was only later that these words were adopted as insults as language evolved, as its nature. For that reason, it is essential to ensure that we, as authors, evolve with it so that our use of language parallels the generation(s) that we are writing for. Some suggestions for swapping some of the following expressions and phrases to more ‘mental health promoting’ ones could be as follows:

“s/he was feeling down/sad/upset” instead of depressed.

“Oh that’s alarming!” instead of mental/crazy

“S/he is a psycho,” instead say, “this person suffers with [the illness].” Or, “s/he has been diagnosed with [the condition].

“You’re so bi-polar,” or, “s/he’s got such a split personality,” or, “s/he’s such a moody . . .” these phrases should not be used to describe someone who is indecisive, of two minds or experiencing severe mood swings. If someone you know is exhibiting such symptoms, do not be off with them, instead ask them, “Are you OK?” You may perceive them as being ‘moody’ or ‘off’ towards you when they are in fact experiencing severe inner turmoil and require support or someone to ‘lend an ear’ to listen.

Film Review: The Fault In Our Stars – John Green

Introduction: As I have already written up the book review, I’m not going to bore us all by repeating what’s already been said. To find out the background of the story, you can read the post here:

The Fault In Our Stars – Book Review

But as far as being true to the story goes. I was pretty impressed with this. I’d only finished the book a few days before watching it and I got what I was expecting. My only disappointment was the lack of confetti in in Amsterdam! I was a little concerned about the authenticity in relation to this beautiful city, but I think they did a fairly good job.

The Actors:

I have to admit, this is not how I envisaged the characters in my mind at all, especially Willem DeFoe as Peter van Houten! But I went along with it as I think they did stay pretty true to the voice that came through in the book. Also, I did struggle a bit to get my head round the fact that I’d just watched the divergent series in which the actors who play Hazel and Augustus were brother and sister as Tris and Caleb and were now lovers!

Hazel: Looked far too healthy to pass as a girl terminally ill with this type of cancer, though I suppose this hits a lot of moral nerves and perhaps tackles some much needed addressing of stereotypes. Came across as more annoying and at times, unnecessarily sarcastic, than I imagined. Quite withdrawn and sometimes the words and the feelings being portrayed didn’t quite add up for me.

Augustus: Definitely not how I envisaged him, I would not have picked this actor to play him. I find him a bit too cutesy and preppy boy looking rather than ‘athlete with sex appeal’ which is what I had in my head. I despised the cigarette thing even more than in the book – it and he, I found very irritating to watch. I think the arrogance came across well. I think some aspects of the reality of Gus’s deterioration were missed.

Peter van Houten: Not what I imagined at all, this actor would have been among the last I would have picked to play this character, for one he is very slim and I had visions of a swollen, bloated, red-faced drunk and this actor is quite the opposite. Also, I couldn’t get over his ‘Americanness’ his attempt at playing a Dutchman I just didn’t feel was authentic at all. However, he is a very good actor and what I did find authentic about him, which came across even more so than in the book, was the genuineness of the tragedy he’d suffered from regards to his daughters’ death, also of cancer. Here there was some genuine indication of the impact that bereavement can have if one doesn’t grieve and the long-lasting trauma it can cause.

As an aspiring YA author with a particular interest and focus on mental health in young adult fiction I felt that in both the book and the film, this issue was somewhat overlooked. Yes – Green and the directors tackled the ‘in your face’ heartbreak of the impending doom of the situation Gus and Hazel face and completely romanticised the teenage dream in to a heartfelt love story, this I get, but I think that ultimately opportunities to address some hard-hitting truths about the impact of terminal illness on the sufferer, carers, and loved ones were missed. I am yet to read them but I have heard there are a few YA fiction authors who have nailed mental health issues. And yes, I understand this book is not about mental health, it’s about terminal illness – cancer to be exact, but I think that fundamentally mental health is always going to be an issue that needs to be addressed where terminal cancer is concerned.

Rating:

3/5

Inspiration

It’s funny, it can come from all places, from all times and all walks of life; but it is most often found amongst the deluge of depression and tragedy. Like a glimmer of hope in the form of a shining light of realisation that all of a sudden seems so obvious. And indeed it is where I find myself once again. I find mine in the form of a young aspiring artist called Emma Haines. Something about the visit to her gallery in Ilfracombe, North Devon really resonated with me. A fellow horse enthusiast, many of her works were horse based and vibrant and alive with colour, a trait I love. My wonderful partner very kindly purchased two of them as a birthday present.

I had been asking him to take me to the Woolacombe Bay Hotel for ages, years in fact. It was where he would stay with work. When he first told me he had finally booked a night for my birthday I felt so excited. I spent weeks looking forward to it despite the looming tragedy I have now endured. As we wound our way down the hill to the beautiful setting below my heart raced with anticipation. The dark sandy beach surrounded by the peaks and rolling lucid green hills were what dreams are made of. The sunlight glinted off the swells of the crashing waves as they lurched over the shore. As we pulled into the car park he pointed to the room in the tower on the 2nd floor and told me that is where we would spend the night. I couldn’t wait to get inside and see where we would be staying. When I opened the charming antique and slightly wonky wooden door to our room I gasped and smiled. The view from our room could only be described as spectacular.

The whole experience was so romantic, the only disappointment was that time robbed us of prolonging our enjoyment further. We strolled along the beach barefoot, hand in hand as the sea crashed around our soft and sensitive skin and we waded through enjoying the refreshing chill that lingered as we felt the strength of the pull on our toes and the sand was taken from beneath us. The waves crashed around us in a powerful yet peaceful and soothing roar. We glanced at the pristine picture of the blue sea meeting the green hills of the countryside surrounding us, the rocks etched like little reminders of landscapes once passed. It was simply glorious. A scene so serene I could gaze upon it for hours, I worked hard to capture it in my mind, locking it my memory for all eternity.

We navigated the windy country and coastal roads into Ilfracombe the following day, expecting a coastal walk and a look around the sleepy seaside town to be the hustle and bustle of our activities for the day. Feeling captivated by the wonderful views and feeling of peace and tranquility about the place, I almost passed Emma’s shop window without a second glance. It was my partner who spotted the beautiful colourful horse and marched me across the road and inside, and I’m so glad he did. What a wonderful experience. I’ve never seen use of colour so vivid and captivating in the form of illustrative expressionism yet so technically accurate. Details were missed yet only added to the charm and enhanced the aesthetics of the work. As an artist there is clear illustrative brilliance. The character and personality of each animal and human are captured and immortalised. I longed to pick up a paintbrush again; to feel the pressure of a pencil glance the pages of textured paper and watch images come to life beneath it. I was inspired. I had to ask how she did it.

Emma was delightful to speak to and we all had a lovely conversation and it was wonderful to hear that she was local and had followed her dream and won an award for her work which was displayed and toured the country. She was more than happy to talk about how she had acquired the shop, her love of horses and her hopes for the future. As I listened with delight to the enjoyment her work and life brought her I felt a warmth rise within me. A creative fire igniting that I haven’t rekindled for many years. A fire that had been all but extinguished in the years I had dedicated to education. For all these years and in the absence of my horse fix I felt something was missing. I was beginning to put the pieces of the puzzle together once again as the embers burned.

I realise that your passions cannot be ignored, whether you have one or one hundred, it is equally important to make time to nurture each and every one one of them as best as you can. I have already promised myself a horse when I am able to support it financially; and I am pleased to say within a day I dug out my sketch book and once again picked up a pencil and put it to paper, I re-discovered my novel and the joys of reading for pleasure. I have reached out to my long neglected creative folk friends. I have decided to let go of my anxiety surrounding unemployment and to use this valuable time and energy to pursue my passion, for art, for literature, for creativity, for healing and therapy for me.

Sell-fie

I’m posting about the entire process one has to endure to find themselves in the world of employment. Whether it be forging a new career, starting on a new venture, or just a job to tide you over, we must all try to sell ourselves! I, like most, often find this a particularly tricky issue despite being able to do this for others so easily. Having had some experience with creative CV writing for others with success, I understand the basics of what is required to grab the attention of employers and make a job application really stand out. However, when it comes to me, I often struggle to think of a single USP on the spot, despite having several filed away in there somewhere . . .

This begs the question:

“How can I sell myself successfully?” 

For that is essentially what we have to do. We need to make it transparent to a potential employer why they should hire us and not someone else. What we have, that no one else does, has to be displayed like a Peacock to grab their attention. For those of you like myself; reserved, quiet, introverted, anxious, this does not come naturally! For most it is quite unnatural to think of ourselves as being better than others, in fact, quite often, it is the exact opposite. This means that sometimes the more modest of us lose out to our more flamboyant competitors.

I believe that clear and transparent communication is the key. Quite often, how we perceive what we are communicating to others is quite different from what they actually hear. It is natural to think that your interviewer knows more than you do, after all, if they are your superior, surely they must do to be hiring you? I have learned that this assumption is not always the case. Always explain fully how you demonstrate a key skill or USP through an example in detail and why it is relevant.

I’m discussing feedback for an unsuccessful interview (it happens to us all from time-to-time); the interview feedback was positive and the reason the candidate was not offered the position was because there was another candidate who had several years more experience (not much can be done about that). Constructive criticism given post-interview, was that they did not give specific enough examples when answering questions about how to demonstrate necessary skills and experience. They had rehearsed their responses and were sure they had linked relevant work experience and how those skills are transferable to the current role, with a supporting example! On paper, it all seemed flawless; but clearly this was not how the interviewers (there were three of them) perceived the responses.

This just goes to show the discrepancy between what the two parties were hearing. Also the importance of understanding exactly what it is the employers are looking for. Sometimes, it just is experience, and no matter how creative your responses are, all you can do is keep seeking more experience! Whether it’s voluntary, taking a step down or making a side-step. However, most often there are ‘buzz words‘ employers are looking for that they must hear to grab their attention.

“Where do I find these ‘buzz words?’ you may be asking. The answer is: Do your research! It may seem obvious but I have found that more often than not companies use their favourite buzz words and phrases within the first two paragraphs of their home and about section. Linking your ethos and values to this can really help to support an application and when being interviewed.

Another really important point is – keep it relevant. If you are lacking a bit in experience and don’t want to make this too obvious; when giving examples of your transferable skills, check that you have supported their relevance with a clear example that relates to the job role you are going for! The best way to do this is to read and highlight the job description/profile you have been provided with. Often employers will list the most essential skills first and quite often will indicate whether a skill is essential or desirable by marking it ‘E’ or ‘D’. Be prepared to have at least three examples rehearsed and choose whichever one is most appropriate during the interview.

If you can, support your previous successes with facts and figures where appropriate. If you improved the efficiency of the company’s CRM system by 80% then jolly well say so! Take pride in your success and of course, do keep these honest and be prepared to show evidence – don’t manipulate them as this may come back to bite you when the employer checks with your references and this won’t bode well with either party – you want to keep your referees thinking highly of you, just in case you don’t get this one.

A few ideas from my own personal experience and that of clients. I do not allege to be an expert by any means and if anyone else has anything useful they would like to share – please do so. It would be very much appreciated in the fast-paced and competitive job market of today!

small steps

Well I suppose I am getting more regular with this once again. Not posting as often as I would like, but making progress, and that is what matters. I owe this to my radical turn around of ideas, mindset and general outlook on life. I am undergoing a challenging decision making progress but feeling very positive for my prospects in the future. I am open minded but feel I understand myself more now; having gone through this process. I can accept my limitations without judgement; and choose to move in a new direction. A successful and fulfilling outcome lies ahead.

I have learned, among other things, that it is all too easy to be deterred by setbacks and feel disappointed if we feel like we’re not getting somewhere as fast as we would like; and we forget to look back and realise just how far we have come. How many steps we have made since we started. If we are always concerned with how far we have left to go, we tend to beat ourselves up and forget to congratulate ourselves for just how far we have come. Whether we have made one step or several, a step in any direction is better than stagnation.  Even if sometimes this requires us taking a step back, if we stop to reflect for a moment we will realise this is still a step away from where we were and that is progress.

As a teacher and support worker I have learned the hard way, for myself and my students, that learning and progress are not linear. They both require diversions and mistakes to be made, for this is how we learn. As I scientist I firmly believe that trial and error is how we have made our way through evolution so successfully over all these years. After all, Albert Einstein did define insanity as, “doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results,” and I believe there is much truth and wisdom behind these words. We must learn to try new things throughout our life and to allow ourselves to embark on this journey and accept that we will not be perfect, mistakes will be made and there will always be more to learn.

 

The Present of the Moment

Wow. Was it really that long ago since I thought about you? Since I took the time and used the energy to commit myself to getting to know you? Yes, I believe it was. How time will pass us by, no matter what we do and how we do it. It doesn’t matter how we live our lives, time will always remain the same. Consistent. Reliable. Cruel. Real.

How many of us can honestly say that we take the time to just be. To live and breathe and emerge ourselves in the present moment. To let go of time itself and just observe ourselves, our surroundings, the world, for what it is. To let go of conscious thoughts of the past and present, what was, what might have been, what might be, and just focus on what is. Here. In the here and now.

I know I haven’t. I find it far too easy to become wrapped up in what I haven’t done, what I needed to do, the should haves, the could haves, the would haves and the if only’s. Oh the bain of the if only’s. If only I had studied psychology instead of biochemistry, if only I hadn’t moved back to Kent, if only I had stuck it out, said this, did that, didn’t do that! What a waste of time and energy. But what if I could release myself from the grip of ruminating in the past, the anxiety of the unknown in the future, dwelling on things beyond my control?

I am referring to the practice of mindfulness. The guidance required to learn to let-go of reflecting and ruminating and to just live in the now. To stop doing and start being, now, in this moment. This is a powerful tool when it comes to coping with debilitating conditions such as depression and anxiety. With the help of apps like headspace you can take back control and learn to live life how you want to, even if only for a few minutes, to gain perspective of the reality of what is really going on. To prevent catastrophising and see things as they really are. This is the power time has over us. Mindfulness takes the power of time and returned it to you. So you are able to function in the present. Believe yourself better.

Limitations and Expectations

Be honest with yourself, people say, but what does this actually entail? I believe that to be able to be honest with yourself, you first need to know yourself, deeply and intricately. How many of us can honestly say that we have taken the time to get to really know ourselves at this level?

This leads me to the main part of this post. How can we make realistic expectations and understand our limitations without first getting to know ourselves and second, being honest with ourselves. This level of understanding requires deep exploration of our psyche, in a nutshell, what makes us tick at a deeper level.

Once we have got this far, the next part is to then interpret this and work out how this impacts on what is in and outside of our comfort zone. I wanted to discuss this is I am currently exploring my own limitations and expectations of myself. Which has required taking the time to really get to know myself through asking a lot of questions. These include:

What can I afford to sacrifice with compromising who I am?

What am I truly passionate about?

What do I want from life?

What do I need?

How can I take steps to improve and grow as a person?

What are my 1, 5 and 10 year life goals?

How can I achieve them?

What are my fundamental life values and how can I work towards keeping them?

I’d be really interested to know what other people’s thoughts are on the above questions, and if anyone thinks I have missed any fundamentally important questions from this list. This will really help me with this part of my journey. Thank you for taking the time to read.

Turn Back Time

I start this post, well over due, with yet another cheesy pop song spoof. However, its appropriateness is unquestionable. I have spent considerable time during the first part of the Summer holidays reflecting on what I would do if I could turn back time. Asking myself, why is my first completed novel still sat on my laptop unfinished? Why have I not done . . . Why didn’t I do . . . What if I had  . . . and then it dawns on me. It’s not turning back the time that is the issue, life is never as simple as that. When I really think about the reasons why I haven’t yet done X, Y & Z yet . . . the answer is simple, because I haven’t made it a must-do priority. There are so many things on my list of to-dos that are NOT must do’s and I have Michael Heppell to thank for this realisation.

I have now read ‘Flip It’ and am making my way through ‘How To Be Brilliant’ and feeling like there is something, several things, that are still missing from this ‘magic formula’ of brilliance through ‘Flip-It’ thinking. For me it is the need for more time. I know there is a book, which I am getting to and will save for another post . . . but right now I understand that my distinct ‘lack of time’ is a combination of needing to plan and take appropriate action now!

The time I’ve spent reflecting on what I ‘could, should, would’ have done previously had I had it IS the time to spend, ‘am doing it now’. It is so easy to forget all the time and energy that is spent thinking about not having enough of it and working out how to prioritise and organise so that you can get it. If you just do it, how much extra time would you have?

It is also important to bear in mind that life just throws those little unexpected things at you that have to jump the queue to the top of your must-do list, perhaps displacing other previous ‘must-dos’ in to the ‘to-dos’ and that life doesn’t always go to plan. I believe that a little self-forgiveness and faith that it will all work out in the end is needed to get through these times. So when I reflect on why, five years after starting, I still haven’t published a world best-seller, I must stop the over analysing and start the editing!