Here I am again, gone midnight, already been in bed for over two hours, no sign of sleep in sight. I’ve tossed and turned and practiced some mindfulness and then it starts. My mind . . . There’s a reason they call it ‘mind’ ‘full’ ness I’m sure. I can’t get rid of them! These thoughts . . . These ideas . . . Over and over they whirl and churn and grind. Deep, deep, deep in my mind.
They could be about horses, or money . Quite often my career and education. How can afford to do this PhD I so desparately want to do? Am I capable of doing it? Asking myself why I’m still fat and then why can’t I stop eating and I know it’s because I’m not sleeping . . . There’s a whole plethora of hormones and circadian rhythm and other signalling chemicals that are responsible that I just see whizzing around in my head as I lay here in the dark with my eyes wide open! Imagining the inner workings of my somewhat broken body.
And then I feel the stirrings of some ideas, wonders, marvels! Things that will make me rich, successful, fit, healthy, fulfilled. And then I feel annoyed, angry even, that I need this state if inanimation and unproductiveness we call sleep. Why? Why?! You’re just trying to fool my plans I swear. There’s only 24 hours in a day. Why can’t I use all of them to get to where I want to be without you. It’s not fair. I know I need you. The less I see of you, the less I’m able to follow those dreams I dare to hold on to when I do finally meet you. The more my creativity slips away from me with a long lost memory and inability to see within. I don’t want you, if I keep telling myself I don’t need, if I believe in you enough will that make real? Or is it all just one everlasting nightmare. I’ve thought about it for a long, long time through many a sleepless night. Sleep, you suck. Goodbye.
So, with my job search journey finally over (for now), I have found myself once again with time and energy to pursue my love of The Arts, in particular, creative writing. My too-long-dormant novel has been metaphorically brushed off, printed out and read through. Once again I am picking up a different book every hour and enjoying the dance of different shapes and the meaning that they form across the page. Once again I feel hopeful, ignited, visionary.
Some may be wondering, why am I not writing about the elated success of my return to employment? A good question. And my answer is, I have spent so long dwelling on it that I once again left a part of myself behind. That subject, I want to leave that for another blog post and first and foremost, focus on the real reason I started this blog. Which is to pursue my passions for all things creative! Which I feel that I am once again, now able to do.
So where to re-start? As it were. Something I have been thinking about for a while. Last year, I joined a book club and most recently, I have signed up to the Portsmouth Writers Hub which I intend to attend on a monthly basis with at least a paragraph of a piece of writing for the required subject. What I have really kicked off with though, and something I am most excited about, is I have entered a writing competition! Not only that, but it was free. I found a list of writing competitions via a quick google search and the suggestions of others. I am hoping I will find out the result in due course this coming month.
So back to the book club. I think it would be naive of anyone to think that you can become a good writer without first, becoming a good reader. And that is exactly what I intend to do. As I have been partaking in the reading and reviewing of several books outside of my comfort zone anyway. I thought I may as well publish my thoughts here. So that is my plan, each month (hopefully) I will read a book and write a review for it here; with the aim of focussing my direction for my own writing development. I am also going to publish my reviews on Good Reads A place I have left long forgotten until now. I will probably do some reflective reviewing as a start. I hope at least some of you will find this interesting.